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The absolute dumbest things to happen in Florida in 2018

By Orlando Weekly Staff on Sat, Dec 22, 2018 at 12:00 am

Florida is this country's main exporter of zany arrests and batshit tales, and this year, we did not disappoint. We chased a terrible politician out of a restaurant, discovered the largest python orgy in Collier County and proclaimed our love of eating ass. Here are 38 instances of the weird and bizarre shit we unfortunately witnessed in this state during 2018. Hats off to you, Florida, for another wacky year.

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An Apopka man was arrested after Florida wildlife officials say he dumped leftover red paint into a burrow, dousing the gopher tortoise living inside. Read more here.

In an interview with The Economist, U.S. Sen. Marco Rubio said that “there's no evidence whatsoever” that the corporate tax cut he and fellow Republicans passed last year is benefiting workers. Cool. Read more here.

When probed on the President Trump’s alleged remarks calling Haiti and African nations “shithole countries,” U.S. Rep. Matt Gaetz told MSNBC’s Chris Hayes, “I would say that the conditions in Haiti are deplorable, they are disgusting. I mean, everywhere you look in Haiti, it’s sheet metal and garbage when I was there.” Read more here.

Florida congressman Matt Gaetz posted a picture to his Facebook account showing a student at Shoal River Middle School giving him the one-fingered salute. Read more here. Read more here.

While appearing on MSNBC's AM Joy With Joy Reid, the Republican junior congressman became visibly uncomfortable when he wasn't served his usual Fox News softballs, and began to resemble what appeared to be just three wriggling kids stacked on top of each other in a grown man's suit. Read more here.

A recent video showed a herd of deer presumably allowing a Kaiju-sized gator to play through at a Florida golf course, a scene that is incredibly normal here in the Sunshine State. Read more here.

An actual road sign in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, was hacked to read “Hell yeah brother I eat ass.” Indeed. Shout it from the mountaintop, you noble diner. Read more here.

In less than a week, two prominent Florida Republicans openly questioned why you can't refer to black people as apes. Read more here.

Considering Florida ranked second in the nation last year in bicycle and pedestrian deaths, it shouldn't be much of a surprise at this point to see a guy riding his bike down a busy highway. Read more here.

The state's most metal ant tricks a powerful species known as trap-jaw ants by chemically mimicking them and then spraying these enemy ants with immobilizing formic acid. Read more here.

Twitter user @danimidah posted a video of the incident showing an unidentified man gripping the hood of the car while going upwards of 69 miles per hour on I-95. Nice. Read more here.

Adam Putnam, a self-described “proud NRA sellout” running for governor of Florida and monogamous lover of only one special word, bragged about how many times he said “Florida” in last week's debate with Congressman Ron DeSantis. Read more here.

The excessive amount of yayo was found by an unnamed “good Samaritan” drifting just south of Pensacola. Read more here.

While reeling in a 3-foot shark, a Florida fisherman helplessly watched as his catch was devoured by a massive 500-pound Goliath grouper. Read more here.

Marco Rubio, a Florida senator who once lobbed a football directly into a little kid's head, said he wishes he could just spend Sunday afternoons watching the NFL and not be reminded of the horrifying reality he helped create. Read more here.

An accused car thief running from authorities through a pasture can be seen getting "corralled" by a large herd of bovines, which clearly suggests that all cows in Florida should be considered law enforcement at this point. Read more here.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio, a guy who once casually beaned a kid in the face with a football, has recently been peddling a string of unfounded conspiracy theories regarding the recent Florida recounts. Now it seems these crackpot theories have now morphed into incredibly horrible football metaphors. Read more here.